my return Home
It is my last day here. I just got off the phone with Herb and am looking forward to my return home.
I am on my way through one last scenic drive along the coast. As I am driving, I begin to cry. Not the tear filled kind of crying, the deep within my body and being kind. I cry not knowing why. It almost moves through me in waves. I feel quiet in moments and then again the rush of something arising through me and beyond me. I allow it for as long as it needs, not knowing if I was crying for the beauty I felt in my surroundings or for the beauty I felt on the inside.
Then it occurs to me that as I contemplated returning home to my family, for the first time in a long time I had returned home fully to myself. It was not this trip alone, but the full journey, the layering and un-layering, leading up to it. In this moment, the ways in which I had once felt unsafe, not at home, guarded or inhibited dissolved. I needed these past two days to be by myself, with no where to escape to, no way to become distracted, so that I could just be.
Right now, as I sit here along the vast and deep pacific shoreline in front of me, wind all around, expanse of land opening wide behind me, I feel at Home. I know that this feeling will not stay as it is in this moment, but I trust that Home will find me when I have been drawn away. Home is here, in myself, in my being, always.
And, yes, I also look forward to my return home.
Love and gratitude.