Turning Toward My Own Messiness (figuratively & literally)
Those of you that know me are aware of some of my neurosis and they are often the target of much laughter and lightness, for me included. I have a bit of an issue with messiness. Maybe it’s more than a bit of an issue. It’s pretty neurotic. I’ve been known to have difficulty leaving the house with beds unmade. I often pick up all sorts of clutter from the floor. I am not talking about large pieces of clutter. I am talking about clutter that goes unnoticed to most other less neurotic people. At times I prefer bringing less attention to my craziness, so if I see little things on the floor while people are around, I may pick it up and quietly stuff it into my pocket. The notion even makes me smile, but I do it nonetheless.
This week I am challenging myself to meet these neurosis head on and heart forward. I realize that I prefer an environment that is clean to feel clear on the inside. Meditation has helped soften this already, but I am ready to take it further. I am going to try to not be as fastidious about making beds, cleaning floors, counters, living areas, laundry, all of it. I am not saying I won’t pick up at all, however, I will not do it as impulsively or out of a habit to. I will leave beds unmade (gives me the chills already), sinks full, and countertops cluttered. If I can attend to these things without adding a sense of rush or stress to my day, I will. If cleaning up feels more like a way of occupying time that could otherwise be empty, I will try my best to leave it be. Instead I will give myself thirty minutes at the end of the day to clean up my loose ends. Who knows, maybe I’ll even try to leave some ends loose, rather than tight and tidy.
I imagine I will experience all sorts of restlessness, irritation, aggravation, impulses and impatience. I hope to find the capacity to turn toward all of this with the willingness to be with it and to realize that it is a source of wisdom, self-understanding and ultimately softening. Instead of feeling dependent on things outside of me to feel at ease, I will continue to do the work of loosening those ties and exploring the source of clarity and calm that always resides within.
Many of you that might read this blog may think, “She teaches meditation, but she is as crazy as the rest of us, maybe more”. Yes, it’s true. We all are part crazy, part sane, part generous, part greedy, part kind, part aggressive. I’d rather take time to know all those parts, rather than run from half of them. In knowing the parts that I prefer less, maybe I can soften and make room for feeling more open-minded. More so, perhaps I can connect more deeply to all those who experience the same resistance, and feel gentler through that connection. Meditation is not just a tool to examine the mind, but also a wonderful way to explore the nature of all our habits, both inside and out.
p.s. As I am about submit this post, I walked into the kitchen to see my girls undertake making peppermint patties from scratch. Lots of powdered sugar everywhere. Enough said. My practice just got kickstarted. 🙂