The Loneliness of Meditation
My meditation has been an interesting place for me. After more than six months of consistent practice, at times my meditation has become an almost lonely place of self observation. I watch as various thoughts fire off, one at a time. And each time I return back to my breath. Trying not to judge, to anticipate, to linger. Just returning to the breath. Truth be told, at times it has gotten a bit dull.
But what I have found is that this practice of mindful self observation has ultimately brought me greater insights in my day, in my life. I notice when I am reacting stubbornly from a place of ego with my husband. I watch when I am less than compassionate with my kids. I feel when my heart goes out to the homeless lady I see most mornings on my drive out. This, at times, dull and lonely meditation practice has in fact awakened my experiences in a more vivid way. It allows me to know my nature more intimately and to know how my nature is relating to everything and everyone around me. Sure it’s not a pretty picture often. Actually far from perfect, but that’s fine. It is what it is. What I have found is that this deeper self understanding is a place from which organic change can arise. Where I can catch myself when I am not the version of who I want to be. And the more I actually awaken to it, the more opportunity I have to initiate small changes. The dullness becomes vibrant. The imperfections become the perfect space for me to see where there is still room for change, still room for me to become the compassionate and connected person I want to be. The challenges over time bring understanding, the joys bring just that, real joy. Meditation has been the place of calm where I can carry the fire, the fire of difficulty and the fire of inspiration. It serves both evenly. It allows me to turn toward both a little more equally.