Life, Love & Captain
On our drive back from Houston my husband, Herb(ie), asked me if I thought that the way we interacted and communicated with each other was better and why. I didn’t have to think long to answer that I did think it was better, but I took a few moments to think about why.
I am still as human as before. I have my sensitivities, my insecurities, my ego. For that matter, we both do. As much as I would love to say yoga and meditation has helped me to eliminate the triggers both within and outside of our relationship, it is just not the case. The triggers are there. At this point, thirty-eight years of experience make me who I am at present. It predisposes me to all my likes and my dislikes. And when those don’t line up with another within a relationship, it can be fertile ground for conflict. However, even with all that, my relationship with Herbie has gotten better. It has gotten more fluid. And it’s not just because of love, as easy as that would be to say. Sometimes you need more than just love after fourteen years and two kids. 🙂
What I have learned most importantly in the past few years has been the skill of self observation; the ability to see one’s experience while experiencing it, and to do so without judging. So yes, I get triggered, I have my reactions, but more often I am able to “zoom out” so to say. I am able to see the triggers and the reactions for what they are in the context of the bigger picture. I see the stories that develop in my mind, the emotions that build in the heart, and I am able to be with them in a more mindful way.
And from there it has been a process of softening the ego and the insecurities. Often it’s the ego that pushes us to believe that we are in the right. Sometimes it’s the insecurities that lead us to think we have been wronged. However, by allowing both to soften, my grasp of the stories, my attachment to rights and the wrongs find space to subside. I am able to let them go a little more easily.
And here is where I am able to open my heart more. I am able to be compassionate; compassionate to myself for being human and compassionate to Herb for the same. I remind myself that we both have had experiences that have shaped us, and that understanding on it’s own helps me to remain open and connected. It helps to make things less personal and more human. It helps the conflicts to subside a little quicker. It helps the heart to open a little wider. It enables me to invite love and companionship into my life more openly.
I love having you in my life Herbie.