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I almost managed to make it through my day without a tear.  And it wasn’t that I didn’t think about my Dad.  I did.  I woke up, and, first thing, I called my Mom to see how she was doing.  After talking to her, I decided to make an indian rice pudding dish, called kheer, that our family makes as a tradition on the day that a loved one has passed.  And, yes, all without a tear, almost very mechanically as I went through the motions of remembering him.  But it wasn’t until I found myself laying in bed almost ready to sleep that I really remembered.  Dinner was done.  Errands had been completed.  The girls were tucked in.  The kitchen was tidied up.  And finally I was left to where my thoughts would have taken me during the day if I had let them.

As I allowed myself the time to remember, I felt sad.  My heart tugged at me very uncomfortably even five years later.  You think it would get easier.  And I think I almost fooled myself into thinking it was, but really I had just been preoccupied all day.   Preoccupied enough to not allow myself to really feel his absence.  It makes me wonder how much of life I might miss out on while I am carrying out everything on my so-called agenda?

More than anything, I hope to remember to always give myself space; space to be human, to feel, to be affected, because, hopefully, in there somewhere I will find inspiration.  I am glad I had a few moments to myself to think about my Dad, the complex and the most generous person that he was.

I love you Dad and I will carry you in my hearts always.


8 Comments Post a comment
  1. Priis #

    We sure do miss him and feel his absence, but always always have him in our hearts. So thankful for you, mom, herbie, darshan, the girls…and all the memories of Dad. Love you. xxx

    November 20, 2011
    • What can I say Priis but that I love you! And it was good to share memories with you this morning! xo

      November 21, 2011
  2. Beautiful & poignant. Thanks for sharing.

    November 20, 2011
    • oh, thanks mo for everything including being my mom’s texting buddy & checking up on her 🙂

      November 21, 2011
  3. Manju Jhawar #

    Thanks Sheils ………I admire your writing. You all have been great support through out the day. luv……….mom

    November 21, 2011
  4. It’s been 17 years since my mother died and there are times when she is so present in my life when I need her most… like right now actually. One never forgets but it does get easier when we can really shift into the space of trust of the unfolding but perhaps even bigger…when we can really REALLY see that they fulfilled their purpose while shedding love and light on the rest of us during our time together. She remains to be one of my greatest teachers and influences. I no longer define my life by her death as before and when I think of her its no longer through the eyes of a lost, sorrow-filled soul. Healing love and sweetest invisible embraces to you and your family. I miss seeing you.

    November 21, 2011
    • Thank you so much for sharing that Sanieh. I know it will get easier & as much as some memories are hard, there are ones that totally make me smile & I am so thankful to have both! I miss you too! xoxo

      November 21, 2011

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